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My Deep Dark Secret…and the Hope I Found

I am about to step out of my comfort zone and open my deep dark closet for everyone who reads this to see.  There will be some that will read this and question my need to put this in writing and others who know me may be shocked or saddened to learn of what I am about to share.  While I appreciate those of you who fall into either of those categories for taking the time to read this blog, you are not the one I am writing to…I am writing to the woman who needs to hear this.

My life at one time was full of dreams and happy moments.  They were so happy quite frankly that I could never have imagined things turning out the way they did.  But as I look back, there were clues…clues I saw, clues I tripped on and clues I fell over and for some curious reason I continued down the path.  I came from a small town and had protective parents and two younger brothers.  My world was pretty small and sheltered.  I was like every young girl.  I dated, had my heart-broken, laughed a lot, hung out with my friends, and went to college.  School was my thing.  I loved learning and I was good at it.  I received awards, accomplished goals, and met a man who I would eventually call my husband.

Soon I took a path…the path down the wedding aisle, the path to children and a very dark path I couldn’t find my way out of for a very long time.  The years collected and so did the clues.  The changes didn’t happen over night.  They were slow and methodical.  At first, I thought I was just becoming too sensitive as I got older.  I then blamed it on the pressures of life and the demands of having children.  Things progressively got worse  and as they did my excuses became larger and more unreasonable.

And while this was a slow progression, when I finally woke up to see how my life was eroding away, I was not the same girl who left her small hometown.  I was a grown woman who had been ripped to shreds by the razor-sharp tongue by the man she thought loved her.  I became frightened of the phone that it was surely going to deliver another round of stinging words strung together to destroy what was left of my heart and soul.  My closet became my safe haven and I found myself constantly worried about my children, my finances, and my ability to endure the next crisis.

What happen to the girl who was destined to do great things?  How did she become this frightened woman unable to free herself from the grips of abuse?  To this day, I don’t know the answer and yet I find myself asking it over and over.

Then one day…the pot boiled over and a force greater than myself guided me to safety.  I cried, agonized, felt guilt ridden that I had left…a sickness some may call it.  But for me, I felt damaged.  I didn’t think my soul would ever repair.  In some ways, I was not even sure I had enough to go on but I woke up everyday because my children needed me.  I got dressed, put make up on, and functioned the best I could.  Little by little, I started a company.  Not every day was great but everyday was better than what I had left.  Tears slowly stopped flowing and I was actually surprised to hear myself laugh again.  Every milestone I reached allowed me to replace my fears with confidence.  The mountains were still there to climb but I was no longer doing it in bare feet.  I was prepared and gave myself moments to think my own thoughts.

I am free now… Free of the abuse and the unacceptable….free to be in love and be loved in return…free to make my own choices…and free to be in the company of others or in the peace of my own being.  Leaving was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made but it is the greatest gift I have ever given myself.  You only get one life…no do overs, no refunds!  You have the right to be happy…the right to be loved…the right to be appreciated…the right to live without fear.  This may not be your story but if it is…there’s hope.    Kisses Bellas  www.facebook.com/HeelingInc


5 responses

  1. Richard

    You are a courageous woman. God bless you it is your destiny to help others.

    January 13, 2012 at 3:03 AM

    • Thank you. It was through the love and support of my family and friends that made getting to the other side possible. I thank each of you for your support!!

      January 13, 2012 at 9:42 PM

  2. It was great meeting you face to face today…finally lol! I so understand what you’ve said here. The verbal and mental abuse I suffered for years was a burden I bore unlike any other. I wasn’t brave enough to leave – he finally did – but then God gave me the strength to say ‘no’ when he wanted to return a few weeks later. The release from that life, although initially difficult, is indeed a gift. And using the energy that was once spent fending off the pain and hurt to now do something productive, supportive and good, is another gift – one I too have received. Thanks for sharing!

    January 16, 2012 at 5:28 AM

    • Thank you so much for the beautiful response. And while your comment actually made me tear up, I realize that it is only through another woman survivor can the journey truly be understood. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am sorry that we share this commonality but at the same time perhaps we were tapped on the shoulder by God because he knew we could help others.

      January 16, 2012 at 3:31 PM

  3. Sue

    Deborah – thank you for your story – it is mine too. Many think that if there is no physical abuse there is no problem. It has been three years and I still have a hard time getting through the day sometimes, and letting go of my anger. But I am pulling through. I think you were tapped on the shoulder by God, because I am just now starting to deal with these issues and your story made me realize I really do need to work on them.

    January 20, 2012 at 1:21 AM

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